Epic.

What I witnessed this morning at the dentist, can only be described as "epic." And not in a good way. But in an, "oh, mother of all craziness, that kid is not human..." kind of way.... Let me preface this by saying that I really do love my dentist office. The staff is super sweet and man, did they give it their best effort. The responsibility of this rests solely on the shoulders of my over dramatic son. And maybe mine....since I am in charge of raising him. But for the sake of my sanity, we will say it is all on him.

Jonathan has been to the dentist like 4-5 times already. He always cries a little, usually refuses to comply and makes a scene. But it is usually pretty fast and up until now, he was small enough that it could be considered cute and sad. So, knowing what I was in for, I started preparing him about a week ago. Lots of talk about the dentist....books, TV shows, practice etc...He recently got a spin brush, so he was even used to the noise and movement in his mouth. I thought we were good. The kid even let me floss his teeth last night! So, this morning, we showed up armed with Cailou on the iPad, tons of pictures to look at on my iPhone, books, juice, fruit snacks for after and a standing bribe of a new truck if he was brave. 

2 minutes... That's how long he lasted once we went back before he lost his cool. Literally, as soon as we sat down he started crying. Oh! And did I mention Matthew was with us? Ha! Luckily, he was pretty chill and looking at pictures on my phone. The hygienist then let me know that we are going to do his first round of x-rays today....just two little pictures. Surprisingly, Jonathan let her put the weighted vest on him (I put one on too) and, for a second, I thought we were going to dodge the bullet.  Oh, how naive I was. The SECOND she showed him the bite wing (I think that's what it is called) he started screaming. Not just a little scream....but a bloody murder, being mauled by a bear in the middle of a wild fire scream. There was no reasoning with him, so I just started to cram that stupid thing in his mouth. The hygienist tried her hardest to make it work, but my boy is strong. AND LOUD. And can clamp his teeth closed like a freaking wild animal trap. At this point, Matthew, as if hearing some kind of secret brother message being sent by battle cry, started crying his opposition to the situation. So we give up on the x-rays for a minute and take the vests off. She wheeled Matthew back into the room and he calms down and goes back to looking at pictures, apparently convinced that the danger to his brother has passed. Jonathan even calmed down for a minute. 

So she gets the mirror (which we talked a lot about this week) and starts looking around. All was fine, until she used a little pointer to COUNT HIS TEETH. She was barely even touching them and definitely was not hurting him. Brother Man LOST IT. At this point, there was screaming, snotting, crying, shaking, kicking, attempting to roll himself out of the chair....it was bad. I am trying to shove Cailou in his face, which makes him cry louder. But let's be honest....doesn't that weird little bald kid freak you out too? So he throws the iPad to the floor in an act of protest. Matthew then throws my iPhone to the floor in an act of solidarity with his brother. Who knew these two were so tight? At this point, they are both screaming, but I was NOT giving in. I took Jonathan to the bathroom, gave him a "come to Jesus" talk, and marched him back to the chair. He stayed chill for like 30 seconds and the hygienist was able to polish half of his teeth...and he was cool with that. I think he realized that it felt like his tooth brush....Then she made a fatal error. She brought out the spit sucker. And that was it. Through his snotty screams, he kept yelling, "PLEASE! Can I go home and go to time out and get a spanking!?!" PLEASE!" That's right....my son would rather have a spanking and go to time out, than sit through the dentist. I actually asked the her if she could just do her work while his mouth was wide open and screaming, you know, cram those tools in their in between wails....She looked at me like I was an idiot and said "Uh, well....we have other clients." Oh, yeah...right....we aren't alone in here. 

And so, we left. Having had NOTHING done but half of his teeth polished. In a brief moment of "I'm the most terrible Mom in the world," I told him his teeth were all going to fall out at home because he was so awful at the dentist. Of course, this made him scream louder. So, I took the march of shame with my two wild chimpanzees, one of which was yelling "I don't want my teeth to fall out!" and the other crying for no good reason.

Ya'll....I cried the whole way home. I have NEVER been as embarrassed as I was walked out of that office. And you know what, my little guy was just scared. That's all it was. HE. WAS. PETRIFIED. He calmed down on the way home and spent some alone time in his room chilling out. We talked about things when he was ready to come out....he was just terrified and had no idea how to tell me that. If you know Jonathan, you know he is a pretty sensitive guy. He is scared to death of Monkey Joes (one of those inflatable bouncy house places) and covers his ears any time there is a loud noise. The kid closed his eyes for like half of the shark ride at the Aquarium....he is just sensitive. So this? This sent him over the edge. You live and learn I guess. As much as I love my dentist, I came straight home and made an appointment for him with a pediatric dentist. A place with more toys, kids movies, private rooms and special "non-gag" bite wings. Will it make a difference? Who knows....but I have to try.

So that's how I got here....sitting on the couch, eating brownies and downing my 3rd diet Coke of the day.